It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
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[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?