Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
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My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN