If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.