Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
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Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.