I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
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He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.