Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
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I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
For the baby who has everything
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late