[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
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Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Boom, boom, ching!
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Am I having a stroke?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
crochet youtube is brutal
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”