*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
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I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
i smell a pulitzer
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Simple enough.
Morning.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer