I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
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Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.