Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
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I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
tinder is all about the long game
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Every damn time
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.