Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
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My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.