There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
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My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.