Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet