Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
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Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I hope they boil the right one.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003