Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
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Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Current mood: Potato
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.