I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
He was looking for a job and then he found a job