12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
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*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Breaking news:
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*