Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
✌️
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.