Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
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If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Rooting for the overdog
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.