Meat Cute
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business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay