I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
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Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
bias laundering edition
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.