Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
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GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Um … Hot Wings please
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
This is Sparta
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”