I would love to ker-sploosh this.
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[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.