#Thanos #MondayMood
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I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”