CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
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Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
what’s the point then??
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
where the womens at?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Stop.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]