If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
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I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
me when I see my crush
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Try and stop me.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer