I am never leaving this website
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*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
what are they serving at kfc then???
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob