Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
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ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.