Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
You Might Also Like
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Wednesday
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
🤣🤣🤣
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.