I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
You Might Also Like
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
technically true but not a great slogan
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk