Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
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I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
*watches the world burn*
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today