I could NOT have put it better myself.
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Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
pep talk
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
live, laugh, laundry.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down