Banderslack Clamberdorch
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On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
The first one, obviously
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.