I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
You Might Also Like
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time