me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
You Might Also Like
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.