You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
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Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real