Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
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Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?