Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
You Might Also Like
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.