When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
You Might Also Like
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
peep davidson