If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
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I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
*limbos away from your hug*
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar