Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
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In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
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