Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
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I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or