how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
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The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*