Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
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The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Canada has crack?
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!