“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
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Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
This kid will have a bright future.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application