What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
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All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I have so many questions.