yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
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I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Livid.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy