I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
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When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
The three genders
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!