*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
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Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
i want to work in this restaurant
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet