I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
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Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”